Intimacy and Ultimacy

Intimacy and Ultimacy
March 18, 2007
Westminster Unitatian Church
Rev. Barbara Fast


"People come to our congregations seeking intimacy and spiritual growth. And we give them committee meetings and Sunday morning worship. Neither adequately meets those needs," Glenn Turner.

"There is a hunger in our hearts for real community, spiritual challenge and growth," Calvin Dame.

I want to tell you about Small Groups Ministry. So I will tell you this. It is part of a story. You know it The Velveteen Rabbit  by Marjory Williams, written in 1922.

THERE was once a velveteen rabbit ... For a long time he lived in the nursery ...  and no one thought very much about him.
He was naturally shy, and being only made of velveteen, some of the more expensive toys quite snubbed him.
The mechanical toys  ...  pretended they were real ... the jointed wooden lion, who was made by the disabled soldiers, and should have had broader views, put on airs and pretended. The only person who was kind to him at all was the Skin Horse.
The Skin Horse was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out.
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up?" he asked.
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept."
Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter  ...  because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand. Once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become [real] without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

SMALL GROUP MINISTRY has the potential to sustain and transform  lives and the life of the congregation.
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
For many UUís we are here because we do not belong, fit in, feel at home anywhere else - really. Especially theologically- UUís often are come-outers - from other traditions, we are sometimes sensitized and vigilant, and ready to bolt as soon as something with which we disagree is stated.

We are terrible singers, (not trusting) always reading ahead to see if we agree with the words.  Sometimes we need to be carefully kept ...  I get that.

Especially around theological issues.  But also ñif we know each other ñ is there a God on one Sunday and no God on another ... or is God and no God on one Sunday good enough?  

Many of us experience ourselves as a minority in this culture, a cultural minority. Or if we donít feel like a minority in the culture at large, then we often feel it in the congregation.

We also confuse liberal religion with liberal politics, which often overlap, but are distinctly different.

Liberal religion is about belief boundaries being flexible. Orthodox religion is where the belief rules determine if you are in or out of the flock.

If we have been hurt, marginalized in other places, at other times, in other homes, personal or spiritual, and we are not at ease in our hearts, we carry that where ever we go. 

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become [real] without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

Small groups ministry provide interconnections between oneself and others throughout the church. They provide on-going ministry. They require a different level of commitment. Their structure is simple: Begin and end on time.  Basics: be on time, share, be present, and listen well.

Since they are in part about becoming real ... to each other and to self, and to this world.  

Much of that takes place through the practice of listening  ...  

There are base line promises you make to one another ñ this is called a covenant. To create a safe place, to reduce discomfort, so you can create a safe place in which to tell your story and explore spiritual issues.

This facilitates and makes easier the practice of listening.  
 "There is a quality of listening that is possible among a circle of human beings, who by their attentiveness, to one another, create a space in which each person is able to give voice to the truth of her life.                       Nell Morton

LISTENING  

My mother is 93. She was recollecting her mother the other day. She said to me. "My mother was terrific. She never gave me any advice."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Sheíd just listen. In 1938 when I left my husband and came back home with my 8 month old son, she just listened. She let me find my own way."

Most of the time in life we do not practice listening well. We practice waiting for our turn to speak ... we compose responses while the other is talking ... we look for holes in statements, we argue back, we are suspicious of what we are being told or sold ... How many lists have you made sitting here?

How many places are there in this world where we can give voice to our real truths?  How often do we take the time to recognize them?
            
How often are we allowed to find our own way, do our own work, claim our power to fix, if fixing is needed ... live with it, if that is what is needed.

Small groups ministry time is not the time for fixing: it is a time for honoring and witnessing. Listening is not about fixing. It is not a time for fixing someone else with our solution.
 
Like the monk's begging bowl, you simply receive each other with a Spaciousness of Spirit.

It is a spiritual practice ... through your attentiveness to one another, create a space in which each person is able to give voice to the truth of his/her life.   
IN that way, you are ministering  ... you are BEING PRESENT.

We become intimate with ourselves, we process our lives ... We pass our experience through the fire of thought.

Still rabbit worries ...  that BEING REAL seems rather sad. Is it worth it? Isnít it easier just to go through the motions, like mechanical toys do?
The mechanical toys pretended they were real. The jointed wooden lion, who was made by the disabled soldiers, and should have had broader views, put on airs and pretended.

Is pretending easier?   Sometimes ... in some places, it may be.
Just saying, smiling, being kind while silently planning your escape.

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit of the Skin Horse. "Sometimes," he always told the truth.

 Have you had surgery?  There you are all sewed up and looking neat, but the healing is still going on. One laugh and it hurts. You sense the memory of the old injury ... it may last a lifetime ...  like scar tissue.
Still laughing and crying can be good for you.

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked. "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes ...  time.
It all takes time, of course.  So do the nuts and bolts of small group ministry

Small Group Ministry: What is it?

Small Group Ministry is made up of small groups ñ 8-10 people who promise to each other the following:
(To meet regularly- once a month generally, for at least one year at a time.  
(In those meetings you promise each other to SHOW UP.
(You show up on time and fully, you show up for yourself, and each other.

THERE ARE TWO PARTS TO THE TWO-HOUR GATHERINGS:

PART 1 : One - Real Life - You will deal out your life, passed through the fire of thought ... yours, for yourself, and then perhaps with others.

PART 2: One - big questions to relate to your real life?
(Belonging, beginning, God, after life, evil, humor, letting go, forgiveness, democratic process, taking time, aging, healing, transitions, traditions, conflict, trust, creativity, prayer, tolerance, power, your legacy.)

There is a facilitator - that will make your groupís success easier.  Facilitators work with me. The program is the same for each group. We hope to have groups in neighborhoods or at the church. They happen on different days of week.   We roll it out in Spring 2007 and begin Septemebr 2007 and commit until Spring 2008.

It may also be about service - once a year - for your group - to minister means to serve, and not just serving ourselves ...

WHAT IS IT NOT?
Group therapy. Facilitators are not therapists. It may be therapeutic but it is not therapy. It is a spiritual practice. It is about spiritual growth. It is a journey.

"While the groups are not therapy sessions, by sharing, during "check in time - like joys and concerns" it helped me while I was going through my divorce".

TESTIMONIALS

"Every month I experienced time for intimacy and spiritual growth.
I found myself able to talk frankly about my own feelings, which I donít do in my family.
I am impressed with the ability of those in the group to listen. This is demonstrated by the confidence of each person in sharing ...
SGM has given me opportunities for real knowing of eight other people. We share our spiritual journeys ...
"I am more aware of the similarities we share as part of the condition of being human."

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time."

It is only by being fully human that we minister to each other. Being fully human means we are real in all our imperfection and failure, and struggle and impatience, and hurt and fear ... and in all our kindness, hope, strength, care and courage.

Part of our religious task is to grow our personal strengths, learn to accept each otherís imperfections, to eventually reconcile our differences, to forgive and be forgiven, to comfort and be comforted, to love and to be loved?

The Rabbit  ... thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet ...  

SGM is not for everyone. It is not magic. It is a practice where we gather ourselves together into strength. SGM is a process. It is one way we go deeper, wider, stronger, and kinder. And we do that as a community too.
SGM will not cause you to lose your hair ... or your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  That will happen to you anyway- over time.   ... but once you are Real you can't be ugly ...  except to people who donít understand.

It will encourage you to understand each other better, appreciate each other better. Do you want to be understood?  To be able to understand another. To be able to stand one with whom you disagree.
"Where there is love, no disagreement can do us harm, where there is no love, no agreement can do us good." H. Ballou
.
We are loved not because we are perfect, but despite our imperfections. If it is LOVE, we are loved because of our realness, our imperfections. It does take time.

LOVE UP - OPELSKE
There is a Norwegian word- Opelske  - the term for the care of plants ñ it translates "loving up." It is a cherishing into health and vigor.

You may go through the motions, and give plants all they "need" as far as food and water, but there will be a certain something missing if you do not love them.

Think of plants. Think of that kind of nursery. Think of the congregation as a nursery. The point of this community is that we grow our capacity to love each other up, grow our love of deep listening, and we will grow our capacity for ministry.

You will gather the spirit, sow the seeds, harvest the fruits of your labor, nurture in love. Witness spring ...  

Small group ministry is about one way we learn how to "love up" ourselves, each other, this congregation, and maybe even this world, into greater life.

It does not happen all at once ...
It is not magic.
It is miraculous.
END

Copyright Barbara Fast 2007
May be used with attribution.


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